scribblesandscrawls

fuck you

2005-05-08T11:05:00.000-04:00

Think I'm goin' for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
Don't want nobody to follow me
Except maybe you
I could make you happy
If you weren't already
I could do alot of things
And I do

To tell you the truth
I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type
But I think you two are forever
I hate to say it
But you're perfect together

So fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
Who am I?
That I should be vying for your touch
Who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
My gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon
Rubbing elbows with the moon
Safe haven of the sleepless
Where the deep fryer's always on
Radio's counting down
The top 20 country songs
Out on the porch, the fly strip is
Waving like a flag in the wind
You know I don't look forward
To seeing you again

You look like a photograph of yourself
Taken from far, far away
I won't know what to do
I won't know what to say
Except...

Fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
Who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

I see you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
In the back room
There's a lamp that hangs over the pool table
When the fan's on it swings
Gently from side to side
There's a changing constellation of balls as we are playing
I see Orion and say nothing
The only thing that I can think of saying is...

Fuck you
And your untouchable face
So fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much

Said who am I?
I bet you can't even tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much
Said who am I?
Somebody just tell me that much...

2005-04-17T18:25:00.000-04:00

Let It Die

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

*disclaimer: sorry dm, this isnt about you...

2005-04-06T18:43:00.000-04:00

"But just how hot can you stand it, brother, before your love will crack?"

-HST

2005-04-06T18:25:00.000-04:00

joyful apathy

2005-04-06T18:20:00.000-04:00

Your vocals were a seven. But your pouting, oh your
pouting! You get a nine and a half.

2005-03-15T23:49:00.000-05:00

I was just thinking
that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head
that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking
I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light
Just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I,
I was just thinking, merely thinking
This boat is sinking

I'm tired of postcards, especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you, missing you, dreaming I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head I just want us to love instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I was just thinking - I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking

rambles and scrambles

2005-03-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

my mom has taken to internet stalking old bf's.

the wick of my candle has turned into a glowing orange heart.

hotmail is holding my account hostage.

temporarily unavailable. my ass. 6 hours of unavailability doesn't equate temporarily in my books.

it's been ages since i've posted and honestly, i just don't give a shit. i don't want to read bitchy comments about neglecting this or not filling you in on that. i'm not even going to attempt making excuses as to why i haven't been doing it. just know that my brain hasn't been 'there'. i've been concentrating on much more innane crap than my own musings on life.

i dont know who this breaking benjamin is or why my launchcast station insists on playing them. stopthemadness.

i'm getting my digital cam back tomorrow.

i've come to terms with the fact that i'm moving.

nick cave woke up with a frappucino is his hand. betcha it wasn't half as good as the grande skinny no whip white mocha i had this afternoon. not only did it quench my caffeine craving, but i almost used it as a weapon to deck the 16 yr old salesgirl who couldn't get it through her rodent sized brain that i wanted to try on those khaki converse boots in a size 7.

"girls?", she queried with disbelief.

2005-03-06T22:38:00.000-05:00

graffiti love

biology 101

2005-01-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
hey baby bro
Scandalous Micro Mini Pimp Dan Juan - guess i've done my deed in saving horses...huevon says:
hey brie whats up?
b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
pmsing
b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
whats up with you
Scandalous Micro Mini Pimp Dan Juan - guess i've done my deed in saving horses...huevon says:
not to much, jsut got back from a sigma chi meeting, im tired
Scandalous Micro Mini Pimp Dan Juan - guess i've done my deed in saving horses...huevon says:
why are you pmsing?
b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
well dear, if you want to get into the biology of it
b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
there's a time of the month when a woman's body needs to shed some uterian lining...
b to the r to the i to the e (crappy cinnamon hearts are such a disappointment) says:
:P
Scandalous Micro Mini Pimp Dan Juan - guess i've done my deed in saving horses...huevon says:
oh fuck stop

(ed. note: i have no control over the sheer ridiculousness of my brother's nickname but if you say a fucking word about it, i'll castrate you.)

sexual frustration and carbohydrates

2005-01-29T19:51:00.000-05:00

b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
hey, did you see how emo rob has been over the past couple of days? "with you in my mind... and my heart in your hands....screaming....break me."
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
rob needs some happy pills
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
i know
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
i feel like sending him clonazepam
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
and a bottle of whiskey
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
but then he might die
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
although that would be pretty emo
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
with thursday playing in the background
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
thursday sometimes makes me want to chase my paxil with glenfiddich, though i don't think that single malt is terribly emo
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
freeeeeeeeeeak
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
my rice smells so good that i want to make love to it
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
the grains are pretty small, though
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
but they're growing
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
swelling with their juices
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
and *i'm* the freak here?
b to the r to the i to the e ("I paint pictures to remember / you're too beautiful to put into words.") says:
im posting this in my blog.
Conk + Conservative Barbie = says:
rofl

2005-01-27T01:47:00.000-05:00

thinking very un-pg13 thoughts

2005-01-27T01:40:00.000-05:00

red light district

2005-01-27T01:39:00.000-05:00

blue sweaters make blue eyed girls swoon

2005-01-27T01:38:00.000-05:00

i have a pretty exhibit

2005-01-27T01:37:00.000-05:00

and her minxish cousin, the lady bug

2005-01-27T01:36:00.000-05:00

sally the robobug

2005-01-27T01:35:00.000-05:00

saaaaaaaalut

2005-01-27T01:34:00.000-05:00

my bathroom time....MINE!

2005-01-27T01:33:00.000-05:00

t to the d

2005-01-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

mirrors

like mother, like daughter

2005-01-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

i just got an e-mail from my mom. she used the expression "tough titties".

*sigh*

she's fucking awesome.

love is a cigarette in gasoline hands

2005-01-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"
I said to him

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find...

You get what you need.

i used to hate this song. hate it. i never understood why i couldn't have what i wanted, why i always had to settle for second choices, somebody else's leftovers,

that all changed this afternoon.

at some time around 3pm, i hit my breaking point. i was unbearably tired, i'd gotten a grand total of zero recognition for busting my ass on my exhibition and themusician was once again oblivious to my presence. i'd been pulling crazy hours trying to make life, work and school fit into a 24 hour day, sacrificing sleep for something, anything that could make me feel like the fire burning inside of me was still alive. then, four words, four petty, tiny, meaningless words, broke me. "lord of my world" leapt out from the screen and my brain was assaulted with a bombardment of images of his face in the throws of ecstasy, pounding his chest like tarzan while he came on a faceless girl's stomach.

fuck.

i hate him.

i hate being so goddamned sensitive to his moods, his actions or lack thereof. i hate feeling like he's the be all and end all of everything, when he's obviously not in the position to pony up and give something back. but most of all, i hate how one sly word, one small comment, one sign of recognition from him and i'm right back to where i started.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

how literate of me.

i left the office grumbling, the salacious images still running in my head, ruining whatever was left of my earlier good mood. i was contemplating how awesome it was going to be to crawl into my bed and not have to have my daily domestic dispute with my alarm clock tomorrow morning, when i ran into alex.

alex and i have worked together for the past two and a half years and while we've seen our shares of ups and downs (unconsummated love affairs tend to bring about some drama in a friendship), we'd been really good since the fall. he'd been privy to the marked degradation in my mood in the office and hadn't said much, but this time, i knew that it was going to be different. as he approached me, he put his arms out, so i gave him our standard high five. but instead of letting me go, he wrapped me up in his arms and held me for awhile. i felt him loosen his grip, so i looked up and he was gazing back down at me. i gave him a moment, and he finally blurted out the words that i'd been waiting to hear, but didn't know that i needed:

"brie, you're going to be happy. i promise."

blame it on syzygy.

2005-01-15T16:35:00.000-05:00

you know, it's at moments like this when i question my misandristic tendencies.

a man, not some strap-on wearing transsexual fraud, but a card-carrying member of the male gender, actually apologized to me for his bad behavior. and he meant it.

chicken little, watch your head. i think that the sky might truly be falling.

ouch.

now if i could only find my spontaneously disappearing cigarettes, the world would be a fucking wonderful place.

the quickening

2004-12-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

i don't understand why i feel like i'm constantly losing and finding myself. over and over again, i can feel the tides inside of me turning, rising and falling, my stability cresting and bottoming out. one moment i feel strong, confident, like a force to be reckoned with. the next, i'm in tears, curled up in my own misery, wondering who in the fuck i am and where i am going. i bring amazing people into my life and then manage to find the perfect way to sabotage my happiness by being an utter and complete asshole. i say stupid things. i make idiotic moves. i find myself mulling over why things don't work out for me. never do i take responsibility for them. i hide myself from my dreams because i'm just so goddamned scared of failing that i don't want to even attempt trying to make them reality. i write, but show no one. i take pictures and hide them in boxes. i sift through atlases, planning my next getaway, but i never leave.

a very distinct memory came back to me last night. it was a fleeting flash of a promise that i made to myself a long time ago. i was lying on a hospital bed, in the most vulnerable position i have ever been in, the core of myself being slashed and harvested for garbage. in the midst of the druggy haze, i recall staring at the map on the ceiling, the words of a tori amos song being whispered into my ears.

"i haven't seen barbados, so i must get out of this."

my only visual memory is of staring at the UK, the island where my mother went to find herself after her body was ravaged by disease and hate. i remember thinking "i haven't been to london, so i must get out of this..."

well, it's been three years, and i haven't been to london. i haven't allowed myself to love again until recently, and i did a bang up job of messing it up. i've never spoken about what happened, for fear that the people around me could never deal with the intensity nor the depth of my pain. i bottled up all of my hurt and shame, tears and anxiety, loss and regret and i pretended to move on. i bit my lip, sucked it up and kept on marching. that's when this dull ache set in - a slow but steady throbbing which blindsides me without warning. i can go weeks, months without feeling it and then, out of the blue it grabs me by the throat. it seizes me up, bashes me against a wall and says "remember me? remember how you fucked up? remember what you threw away? here you are, living the big life, when you're an irresponsible shit. you don't deserve this."

you don't deserve this.

then, just as abruptly as it assaults me, the sound of the voice subsides. it lies tucked away in me, fitfully sleeping, until my guard is down just long enough to allow it to strike again. it particularily likes to come out of hiding when i feel that people getting too close, moving into my bubble, making me vulnerable again. that's when i lash out, act like a crazed fool and push them away. i act like a person that i hate, because it's much easier to deal with the rejection if i know that i've been playing a role all along. "he didn't like me because i acted like a fucking retard" is easier to justify than "i was cool, sassy, collected, brilliant and flirty, and he still didn't like me."

the tides rise and fall. the moon waxes and wanes. my feelings surge and retreat.

but do the tides ever turn?

could 49% have been wrong?

2004-12-07T13:17:00.000-05:00

i just got this link from a friend of mine and it warmed my disillusionned little heart.

http://www.sorryeverybody.com/

if the boy on the index page is reading this, i'll be more than happy to take you in. my bed might be in canada, but it's warm and i promise to make your stay more than pleasurable.

hee!

*rowr*

Hunger

2004-12-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

She would like to unwrap him
from her gently, like a bandage
from a wound. Anything but
this game of contact
and lack. God knows why
she comes back to him
again and again, or dreams
of his kiss in the hollow
of her neck and the want,
how they might turn to each other
and give in, the shock so deep
she wakes up wet and remorseful.

--Deborah Artman

I cut him off. I tried to keep myself away from him, but he keeps coming back. I swore to myself that I wouldn't call him, wouldn't e-mail him, wouldn't IM him. I even screamed bloody murder when I drove through his town on Monday night. Then on Wednesday, he IM'ed me and my resolve faltered. I told him that I wanted to be friends and he agreed, but I couldn't help but feel that this was but a step towards the inevitable.

I don't know why I want him.

I don't know why I can't stay away from him.

I don't know why I need him in my life.

At night, I lie in bed and curled against my back, I feel him. His head indents the pillow above mine. His knees brush against the back of my legs. His arms wrap around my waist, fingers rubbing slowly against my stomach. As I fall asleep, I can't help but thinking that this is where I need to be. With him.

this mess we're in...

2004-11-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

I wonder if
his words
meant as much
as his silence

If his kisses
were apologies
for things to come

If his drunken gaze
was actually eyes desperately searching
for the girl
i was not.

Well, I guess that I was right. In his words, "listen, i think you're a great person, perhaps we didn't hit it off like you had hoped and well i was never looking for anything serious."

Funny how three weeks ago, I would have been much more accepting of those kinds of statements. Right now, they mean shit to me. After furious attempts to get back on my good side ("i never said that i didn't want to see you again...", "don't hate me" repeated to the tenth power), i just feel even more lost and alone than i did before all of this mess even started. I guess that when fantasy and reality come crashing together, all that you can hope for is to get out of it intact and unscathed. Unfortunately, for me, this situation lasted too long. Seeing as though i'm possibly one of the most sensitive people on this planet, well, you can imagine what kind of a state i'm in right now.

Does this ever end?